I love my life.
the end.
=)

I haven't updated this thing since the beginning of the school year. Now that the year is coming to an end, I figure..why the hell not make an update!

This year has been a year of ups and downs but you know what..it was well worth it.

A lot of shit has been going on is my life right now. A lot bad, some good..but you know what. I just say fuck it. It's almost summer and I'm going to have the time of my life. High School is almost over, as I know it. Thank God! I can not wait for June 3rd to come. It is going to be the happiest day of my life. Finally getting out and just being able to...start life!!

As for college, I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. I'm more than likely taking a semester off to work and what not. But it looks like I'm going to UWM the 2nd semester. I don't know if I really want to go there. And I sure as hell don't know what I am going to school for..but hey! I'll figure it out when I get there. There are so many doors to open, and so many paths to wander down...I'm not worried in the least.

I'm trying to have this more optimistic view...at least when it comes to my life. I know that if I start making my own changes and make them for myself, my life will be better fit for me and I'll be happier. I'm tired of people trying to cut me down and people being assholes. I'm just mentally tired so I'm taking control. Erin's taking the wheel. Get over it! =)

Life is Beautiful!
...experience it.

Yesterday was my favorite!
It was the best homecoming I've had in all four years of high school.
And, I'm glad I got have the greatest homecoming with it being my last one and all.
I didn't let anything get to me.
I had fun.
I went single.
Danced with who ever I wanted. (which was a surprisingly large amount of guys who asked me to dance..that made me feel good. haha)
And most importantly had fun (yes I know, I said that twice!)

Thank you so much to all of my fabulous friends for making this last homecoming EVER be the most amazing one! I love you guys! =)

I don't get me.
I really just don't understand my thinking.

I'm interested in two people and one person I know I shouldn't even consider an option anymore.
One of them makes me cry and feel like shit about myself because I'll never be good enough even though they tell me I'm beautiful, talented, and just "so cool", and the other one I can honestly say I'm comfortable around.
And it's not like I'm in this situation where I actually have to choose one of them, but I feel like I need to just for my own sake.
My heart and mind are playing tug-o'-war and it's sickening. I literally want to throw up or just do something completely stupid when I think of this stuff.

One of them shouldn't even be on my mind anymore..yet I still play the role of the jealous "girlfriend" even though we never went out. I'm sick of jealousy. What do I have to be jealous about?! He's an asshole, yet I still like him? I don't make sense!!

The other one is still in the cuteness stage. Where I find like every stupid little thing cute. That will probably end soon. =(

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
I hate relationships.
I was just talking about this the other day. About how I was just going to have fun and give up on relationships. But I"m not that girl. I can't just casually date. I don't know. I'm like retarded or something!! This isn't even complicated, but with me being me, I make it complicated.

..damned emotions. death to them all!

=(

I know that this subject can get oh-so tiresome, but I am entitled to act like a twat 1.) because I am a girl and it is my prerogative to act the way I do and 2.) I'm on my period and that just makes me even more emotional that my emo self already is. So here it goes- "Sweemoness" will commence.

I'm sick of feeling like I want a boy. Yes, I'm sick of feeling like a want a boy. There is no mistake in that sentence. I am sick of just wanting someone that would actually be good to me for once and not screw me over. Some guy that would for once not be an asshole to me 20 minutes after they meet me. I'm sick of feeling like I want a boy because I know it's not going to happen. Having a boyfriend is definitely not in the cards for me during high school. I mean, I swear, I am never meant to have a good guy that is interested in me or something. Every guy that has ever been in my life is just a complete jackass. Even my Dad. Not even he could stick around for me.

This constant frustration with guys is just tiring. I mean, I don't NEED a boy. But, it's nice to feel wanted by a guy sometimes. I want to be able do the cute things that couples do. I want to hold hands, talk about nothing but still feel completely comfortable and not feel complete dork. I want someone who calls me just to say hello or goodnight. I want someone to care that I'm crying. I'm want someone that wants to be there for me, someone who feels bad when they make me feel bad and so they go do cute things like make me cards and buy me something so stupid it's cute just to make up with me. Yes I am naive but I am not completely naive. I know that the bad comes with the good so I even want the unpleasant things like getting in stupid fights over stupid stuff. I want that unnecessary stress and that pain-in-my-ass.

I'm sick of crying to the stupid things on tv. You know, just the typical boy gets girl thing makes me cry. Hell, the rerun of the last episode of That 70's Show was on today, and I cried when Donna and Eric kissed. I'm such a homo. I should just write poetry. (HA! That's funny for two reasons.)

Maybe these feelings are just finally really boiling at the service 'cause schools going to be starting soon. It could also be that just so many of my friends have someone who cares for them, they have boyfriends, a "fuck buddy", or they don't even know what they are..but they are "together". I want to have my own stories to tell them besides..."oh yeah, he's an asshole." and "I hate that girl because she did that with him." ha, but that'll never change. I can like a guy as much as i want...but it doesn't matter if he doesn't like me back. which is pretty much the story of my life.

I think the part about this whole situation that REALLY is getting to me is that I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin. Yes, I'm still young and I can change but I like who I am and I don't really want to change. I'm comfortable being myself in front of people. No need to be even the tiniest bit fake. What you see is what you get and if you don't like it...too bad. I can finally say that I really don't care. I've got my friends. And I DO know who my real friends are. And, although I do no think I am the most attractive person in the world and really only I can point out all the tiny flaws on/in me...I am comfortable with the way I look. And on the days that I really don't feel comfortable with the way I look I just deal. I grew up and developed into the person I am, and it's not changing. And that's what bothers me. I actually have this confidence IN myself...and I still feel terrible because of some stupid guy! AND THAT IS RIDICULOUS!!! I mean as the Ya-Ya's say..."Let no man hold us under." No man should be able to hold me under...yet I still manage to let at least one. and it's FRUSTRATING AS ALL HELL!! It's like that annoying mosquito that seems to be circulating your head and you can constantly hear is but no matter how many times you swat around your head it WON'T. GO. AWAY!

Sometimes when I think about all of this I just wish my head would explode. I'm just at complete lost on what to think or what to do anymore. I know that I should just stop thinking about it, and I know that I really don't need a man. I'm 17! But, it just sucks 'cause I actually do like someone, I thought they liked me. ha, that kind of blew up in my face. That was a good day. I need to just get over people faster. And I need to stop wearing my heart of my sleeve. If I was just promiscuous girl it would be so much easier.

Well, if you read all of that- congratulations.

Yay for random LJ posts. haha. I think this is my fourth LJ post total. that is exciting!!

Today was a pretty decent day. Got up around 1. Layed around for like...2 hours. Called ashley ('cause she had called me while I was sleeping) and we decided that we were actually going to hang out!! So, her momma and herself picked me up around 5-5:30 and we went to her house. We watch A Few Good Men and Saved. haha. It was fun. She had stories to tell me and it was fun catching up with her. Then we called a whole bunch of people but no one was answering 'cause we wanted to go see click. Finally we walked over to Richard's house and saw Jacqui for about 5 minutes. haha. Then we went to go see Click at 9:05 with TJ and Chris. It was and excellent movie. I actually cried. I recommend it. Then Ashley and I met up with Joel, Will, and Stef at McDonalds but they were boring and were just sitting there so we left. On our way back to Ashley's house I called stef and it turned out they were going there so that is where I went. AHorr just went home. Got home around 1. I was glad I saw Ashley though. I haven't seen her in forever and I missed her!!!


Now I'm just pissed off 'cause myspace is being gay so that's why I actually decided to update this thing!!

Whoa..just over a month til school. I want to cry!! Summer's going too fast. but it's been fun!!! =) But, the sad thing is that I'm already excited for football games, homecoming, and Angie's birthday. haha. =) ooh well! I'm weird.

As for the boy sitch. It's still the same shit.
I just decided I don't really care what happens anymore.
I might as well just live it up while I can. It's my senior year and I'm not going to wait around all year for some damn boy to come around. Fuck you little Fuckers for being So fucking dumb!! =) I mean that with all of the love in my heart. =)

ok..I'm off to see if myspace is finally going to work!!!

"off like a prom dress" (thank you to 'You Me & Dupree')

...who knows..maybe I'll update again sometime. haha....maybe.

yeah yeah yeah....I said I'd write some other day about me feeling replaced and I guess that today might as well be that day.

I don't know what my deal is.
I wish I wouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve so much. It just sucks.
I don't know..not that I have to be the center of attention, because I don't. Not to say that I don't like attention because everyone does. But, I just feel replaced because no one pays attention to me anymore. It's almost like..when your parents have another baby after you..and you're used to being the baby but now you're not anymore. And they give all their attention and time to the new baby. (Yeah, what an analogy..but that's the best one I could think of.)
It's just weird that I feel this way..because it's the first time I've ever been like..hurt or upset about that fact that someone else gets the attention that I used to get.
I seriously don't understand it.
Maybe it's strictly jealousy. Nothing else.
I mean...I'm already insecure..jealousy and envy come from being insecure.
Not that' i'd ever wish I was someone else. because that's just stupid.
gaaaaah. I hate liking people.
I just hate people.
That's just like...scrapping the surface of this topic.
I hate to get into detail because people are jerks.

Jewel says it best...

"Near you Always"

Please don't say I love you
Those words touch me much too deeply
And they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the power you have over me
And please don't come so close

It just makes me want to make you near me always

Please don't kiss me so sweet
It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
Makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always

Please don't send me flowers
They only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
Your hands already know too much anyway

It just makes me want to make you near me always

And when you look in my eyes
Please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
You have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause

Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always

I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always





by now, if half of the people who read this journal don't understand what i'm talking about. Then you're just dumb.


dueces.

This weekend was pretty fun.

Friday- Did whatever I did at school then later that night Kat came and picked me up and we went to that show thing at St. Martin's. Super Sonic Soul Pimps and Stradlater were really good. Kat and I were kinda annoyed with the 8th graders, and the fact that no one got into the music...the good music. Ha, we left like..15 minutes after Stradlater (which was the third band) because it was boring, some people we didn't like were there, and we needed to get out of there. haha. Soooo we decided we were gonna go to the hookabar. It was a lot of fun. haha A shit load of people were there. I would definitely do it again. =) After the Hookabar Kat, Stef, and I went to taco bell and got some crunchwrap supremes haha, then we came back to my house, ate, and then crashed.

Saturday- woke up around 10:30 'cause my dog was going mental. Stef left around 11:15ish. Kat got bored so she decided she was going to write on me with permanent marker (which still hasn't come off all the way) And then she left around 11:45ish. I showered and all that fun stuff and then Ashley picked me up around 2ish and we went shopping. I got 2 cute shirts (one i have to take back, unfortunately..I'm too fat for it and was stupid and didn't try it on in the store) and then I got a purse for &5.47 at Aero. It was amazing. After we went shopping I called Chris and he met us at Carrabba's where Laura was working and we had some excellent food. mmm mm mm mm mmmm. Then the three of us decided we would watch a movie so Ashley and I went to her house while Chris went back to his house the get the movie (which will remained un-named) we watched. Then I got a call around 6:15ish. It was Chris saying his car died..pretty much a block away from ashley's house. haha. So we had to go jump his car. Then we watched the movie, after some dueling of almost to the death. Well then Ashley got a call to go bowling, and pretty much so did Chris. So we headed off to Root River to go bowling at 9:30. well, turns out Drake got in a car accident so no one went bowling. Well, chris's care died again so Ashley had to jump it again. Then the three of us sat in the root river parking lot for 45 minutes tring to decide what we should do. Well, Andrew and Nora came and said that Joely and crew were coming to root river. So Ashley and I went to go pick up Stuurz and then we came back to root river. Ashley felt weird so she left and then the rest of us (Nora, Strzok, Andrew, Joel, Chris, Nick, Jordan, Sean, Bill, me, and a passed out chad) just sat in the parking lot for and hour talking. We finally went in root river and saw Colin, Will, Mike, and Alison Hoppe. We only stayed for about 10 minutes inside and then headed out. So, Chris attempted to take Strzok and me home but..his car died for the third time right when he turned on to puetz. So that was cool. Uncle Mike came and picked Strzok and me up, and chris's mom came for him. Uncle Mike took me home and then I pretty much went to bed. i was tired.

Today- Slept all day 'cause I don't feel good. Then went to PetCo and grocery shopping with my mom. We're going to go out to dinner, courtesy of my brother for Mother's Day. And then I'm gonna come home, finish my homework and watch Grey's Anatomy. It'll be a good time.



Meh.

Lately I've just had the feeling of being replaced. Kat know's what I'm talking about. And it sucks.
Guys suck.

but this topic I will save for another day.


dueces.

hmm..I was talking to Chris online last night and he told me I should write in my LJ again.
Well, I deleted my old one and I made this one in like..March. But I haven't written in it sense then.
ooh well. Here's to updating once every two months. haha.



A lot of stuff has happened.
prom
spring break
virginia beach
band concert
and all the drama in between
This year probably tops off last year drama wise.
so, that's cool.

School still sucks.
I'm probably not going to be on NHS much longer.
I think I have like..a B-/C average in all of my classes.
Yeah, I just stopped doing my homework.
Got lazy.
And, well, you're grade reflects your effort.
So, whatever.
I have a lot of homework to do tonight.
I'll probably take a nap first.

ooh well.
I'll have a real entry..maybe later.
maybe not.
we'll see.
most likely not.
But, we'll see if I actually keep up with this thing again.
I just kinda lost my interest in this online journal thing.
no one really cares about the stupid shit in your life.
why complain to yourself online when people will just comment and say stupid things like
"stop being emo."
yep...




seee yaaa.

I decided to re-start this bitch with a fresh new everything.
There was too much of last year on this LJ.
It was time for a change.
And maybe a change back into something that once was routine,
but no so routine that it was a sophomore year replay.
I don't know if that makes sense.
but it does to me.
Yeah, for deleting the past.